Broken and burnt on the lips...

As usual I'm not really even sure where to start, these last couple weeks have probably been some of the most difficult, but also the most rewarding weeks of my DTS yet. I apologize that I haven't written about them yet but they all kind of interconnected, especially emotionally for me. I seriously could write about them each for a page but I will spare you all the details, if you are interested in more info on them just ask and we can chat all about it. Its been three weeks of intense intropection really examining what choices I have made and the things that have happened in the past and how if I don't acknowledge and recognize them they will continue to effect me long into the future.

About 3 weeks ago Matt Attkins from the Seattle area came to speak on the Fathers Heart and how we relate to people as a result of how we understand God and ourselves in light of him. We view God mostly through the lens of our relationships with our earthly fathers and the things that they gave us or failed to give us. Many of you know my relationship with my own dad has had its ups and downs but we defanately haven't been close. I never really imagined how this would effect my relationship with God or even that it had. Our father wants to pour blessings down on us, but we have to acknowledge that and be willing to recieve them, that sounds funny I know but we have so many things that hinder us from really recieving the blessings that God has for us: satan, our fallen nature, the need to expose ourselves to God, loveless teaching, wrong father experiences, and unforgiveness (“like drinking poison and expectings someone else to die”). All of these things were wrapped up in my own relationship with my dad whether I realized them or not. And, to really be able to recieve Gods blessing more than anything we have to walk in faith and obedience to recieve his blessing. To rid ourselves of such behaviors we have to acknowledge the sins in our lives just as I had to do with my own dad. I had to acknowledge what I felt as though I did or didn't recieve from him and I had to forgive him of that and I had to seek forgiveness for my part in our lack of relationship. I wasn't simply a victim of circumstance I had played my part. I think that is probably the most difficult part to acknowledge because its so much easier to just believe things happened to us rather than that we were an active participant in the process. This introspection continued the following week with John Murphy who is in charge of the Snowboarders DTS in Denver, CO. He came and talk on relationships. Yea, I can definately say that I have had my fair share of failures in this area in the past, especially before I was a believer. Really though it all comes back to the father once again and understanding your place with him. We have to figure out are we acting as a son (daughter) or a servant. Do you enjoy and believe in the inheritance of your heavenly farher, believing that he has nothing but the highest and best in store for your life, and he only wishes to shower that on you, or are you one without inheritance simply controlled by the whims of your master. We each have to make that choice of which we are going to be and either we do it conciously or subconciously but either way we make that decision. I challenege you to all examine which are you? I know for me it isnt even a question. I will do what it takes to be a daughter of the most high, believing that God has a plan that is the highest and best for my life, and I will willing lay down what I need to and address whatever I need to in order to see that dream realized in my own life. There are so many qualties that you will exhibit on each I can't even name and explain them all here (again ask if you would like to talk more). In the end it really comes down to probably 3 parts for me: radical obedience, doing life with God not just for him and realizing God's has a plan that is the highest and best for my life. Really all else comes from these parts. In addition to all this, we talked in length about relationships and marriage and what it really takes to make a marriage succesfull, super insightful. There are so many things that have simply become common place today, including divorce and its all stems from not really knowing how to relate to the opposite sex, if we allow it to persist now and don't do anything to change it the next generation will just accept it. We have the power through learning how to do relationships right now, to change what the next generation accepts! Somewhere deep inside, or for some of us right on the surface as believers, we have this fear that what God will bless us with in this life will be proportional to the sin that we did before becoming a believer. Like because we did X God would never want to bless us with Y. What about what we know of God and who he is in scripture would ever bring us to believe this I don't know, but it is simply not true. It goes against everything in his character and nature as a loving and true God. If that is all that you get from this entry I pray that it seeps deep into your soul. You have a loving and true father that seeks to bless you with the highest and best for you regardless of what you have done in the past and without regard to how he blesses anyone else. Honestly, I don't know if we even want to believe this anymore, if we are really honest with ourselves. If we did acknowledge this then we would have to admit that maybe it's worth letting go of the expectations that the world places on us to be “perfect”, that there is always something better, and that, really, we can achieve it if we just try harder. Because once we realize all of that is just crap, we have to let it go. That's scary because it means we aren't in control anymore. The most amazing thing about that though is that simple fact: we aren't in control anymore. I cannot even tell you how freeing that moment is, when you realize you don't have to worry because someone's got it covered. And, let me tell you, he is way better at planning than I could ever even hope to be and he knows me better than I even know myself.I thought that I understood this before I came to DP but what I have come to realize though if that I only understood a fraction of what God intended for this trusting relationship to be. In reality it is so much greater than I ever thought. The staff here have talked a lot about holding everything with open hands allowing your dreams and desires to be taken and molded by God and allowing him to hand you those amazing blessings in return.

During both weeks God brought me to such a place of brokenness about my past, and the ways that I had failed him, even as a believer, rivaling when I was saved. There are those moments in our lives where God just smacks us in the face like in Isiah and we are able to cry “woah is me I am a man of unclean lips”. As we acknowledge these things we are confronted with two choices either to acknowledge our sins and the ways we have failed God or to simply ignore them and opt to live in denial and allow them to furthur poison us. In these I was broken, falling before my savior and seeking his will for my life because that was all I had left that I could do.